


Homeland

by Thatsuntitled



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternative Perspective, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28019109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsuntitled/pseuds/Thatsuntitled
Summary: Rey is engaged and she feels comfortable with that, Poe is a good man and she likes him. What Rey doesn’t know is that the best man “Ben” that Poe wants her to know is actually the same Ben that she married in college. The same Ben she decided to leave, because the two of them loved each other more than life itself.
Relationships: Kaydel Ko Connix/Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn, Poe Dameron/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 46
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt by [ClaireofJakku](https://twitter.com/claireofjakku/status/1329911386995101696?s=08) on Twitter.
> 
> Song recommendation: Exile - Taylor Swift.

Rey is looking at the ring in her finger, she will be married in two weeks, for the second time, but that’s not something that she wants to remember now, not when her wedding is so close. She looks at the window thinking about how her fiancé Poe is a good man, she knew him two years ago, she likes him, he is so calm with her, things are so easy, there’s no hard feelings, no difficult times, he is a good friend, has always been, Rey feels comfortable around him and this is enough for her, she needed that calm, she needs things to be easy and simple, even when her heart doesn’t says the same.

She hears the door behind her, bringing her back to reality. Rey take a deep breath closing her eyes, why are things looking so wrong? When the door opens Rose and Kaydel are smiling at her, even her friends look happier than her now, but she can’t really find out why out of a sudden she feels so empty.

“Come on Rey, we need to go find you some flowers” Rose walks closer smiling “Why aren’t you looking excided, it’s your wedding, did something happened?”

“It’s not that, I’m just a little tired today”

“You’re sure that’s all Rey?” Kaydel asks, looking at Rey a little worried.

“Yeah, I’m tired, it has been a long month, I’ll be fine, we have to go find some flowers right?” Rey tries to smile, but it doesn’t get to her eyes.

Her friends knows that something is wrong, Rey hate to see her friends worried so she tries to look happy, it’s not that she doesn’t like her fiancé, she feels that she keeps reminding herself that every time, but something is missing, something that she can’t quite understand, maybe when she and Poe get settle she would feel better. Sure that’s all, she is just scared of living with someone new, but she knows that they will be alright, Poe hasn’t been anything but great to her in the last two years, they will be alright.

When the girls get to the flower shop they start to look around for something that could make Rey happy, Rey never knows what to choose, there are so many beautiful flowers and so many meanings, she can’t decide what the better option for the wedding is. Rey automatically walks to the blue and purple hydrangeas in a corner and puts her hands in the petals.

_“I think I found the flowers for our wedding” Ben says smiling when he walks closer to her with the blue flowers on his hands “They reminded me of you”_

_“Are you saying that I’m blue?” she asks, trying to look angry._

_“No, I’m saying that you’re the cutest and prettiest person that I ever knew” he gets closer “And also the love of my life”_

_Rey has the biggest smile on her face, she couldn’t be happier than now, on his arms, in her safe place._

_“I love you so much Ben, you can’t even imagine” she says looking at his eyes, he staring at her face looking for something, for some part of her that would tell him otherwise, but he can’t find it, because he is the person that she loved the most in all her life and she would do everything to see him happy, even if it scares her more than anything she never was more complete than with him._

“Do you like those ones?” the florist asks beside Rey touching the flowers too.

“What?”

“The flowers you’re looking at, do you like these ones?”

Rey looks at the flower now with sadder eyes, she loves the flowers, but it has nothing to do with them, it’s all about him and now she is trying to start a new life and to do that she needs to let her past goes.

“No, hum, I should keep looking, I don’t think that these ones are the ones” she looks at Rose and Kaydel on the other side picking some flowers “I think my friends found something interesting”

“Ok ma’am, if you need anything I’m right there” the woman says and then walks away.

Rey keep looking at the flowers at the shop, nothing catching her eyes, Rose and Kaydel showed her so many options, but nothing looks good enough. If Poe was here maybe they could find it faster, but they decided to divide the tasks, so he is choosing the decoration now, while she is choosing the flowers, they wanted to do that themselves, Poe thought that this would be more personal for their big day. Their friends told them that this was a really strange behaviour to a new couple, but actually she is comfortable with that, she trusts his decision and they don’t need to spend every second together. Rey's phone starts ringing, she smiles seeing Poe’s name appear on the display.

“Hello honey” she says.

“So Ben and Finn won’t let this go, they want to know the colour of the flowers, so the decoration won’t look completely off”

“They’re really invested in this wedding” Rey says laughing.

“Ben said that he is my best man and he won’t let my wedding be a complete mess, blame him” Poe is laughing on the other end of the line.

“He sounds like a great guy”

“Oh he actually is, I can’t wait to both of you to meet, you will love him”

“I have no double, if you like him I know I will too”

“So tell me dear, what colours are the flowers?”

“That’s the thing, I can’t find the right flowers”

“Ben we have a problem” Rey hears Poe on the other end, she is smiling looking at the flowers in front of her “She couldn’t find the flowers”

Rey hears some muffled voices and she looks for Rose and Kaydel again, they’re in a corner of the shop smiling at each other, Rey wishes that she had this much love in her eyes too, but it is long gone for her.

“Rey are you listening to me?” Poe asks.

“What is it?”

“What do you want the ceremony to look like? Wait I’ll put you on speakerphone” she hears footsteps on the phone and, probably Ben getting closer to save the groom, she smiles at that, he is probably an amazing friend “Ok you can tell us now”

“Hum, I think maybe colourful and charming, something that looks radiant” there’s a silence on the other side of the line and Rey can only hear breathing “Hello?”

“One second Rey” Rey looks down at the tulips in front of her “Is everything alright man?” Rey can’t hear an answer and then a raspy makes her stop.

“Tell your bride that she would go with sweet peas”

Rey feels her body freezing was that… no it can’t be right? No it has to be someone else, it's just the phone that makes his voice sound exactly like her ex-husband Ben. The world isn’t that small there’s plenty of Bens in the world, right? It can’t be the same Ben, she shouldn’t be this worried, she is just overreacting, that’s all, it’s just because she is planning another wedding, she just remembered of him. Sure it’s just that, it has to be.

“So sweet peas it is?” Poe asks happily, unable to see the way Rey looks pale now, unable to see her hands trembling, unable to see how her smiles fall when she answers.

“Sweet peas it is” with tears in her eyes.

***

“What is it Ben?” Finn asks when they finally get to Ben’s hotel room.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Ben says walking to the bed.

“Right like I don’t know you, come on mate what’s wrong, you got all strange today”

“I’m fine Finn. Everything is fine”

“You know that you can tell me everything right? I’m your brother”

Ben is nodding at Finn because he doesn’t know what he should say, it looks like everything is just passing through his since he heard her voice, he lies on his bed looking at the ceiling, when Finn comes closer and lies down too. Ben knows that voice on Poe’s phone by heart and he wished it didn’t hurt that much, it’s been over four years since she got away, he still remember coming back home to find an empty house, he thought about so many things to explain why she wasn’t there before he could accept the true. Ben felt tears in his eyes, he should have known that this wasn’t going to last, but he loved her so much and when he proposed she looked so happy, but everything happened so fast in one moment he was dancing with his pretty girl, in the other he was alone again on his bed. Apparently she wasn’t his to begin with.

Ben feels his heart breaking one more time, like it did when didn’t brought her home for Christmas, how his heart broke again when Finn asked if he would ever introduce him to Ben’s wife, like his heart broke when he noticed that they never had that much time, because he loved her so much, but he never had her, he can see this now. Ben had the happiest year of his life with her, but he never thought that his heart would break every single day of every single year after that. When Poe asked him to be his best man he asked Finn to come with him, because he wouldn’t be able to handle another wedding alone, but now he doesn’t feel like he can do it at all.

Rey left him, because she wasn’t happy with him, for so many times he looked for an explanation, she always looked like she loved him like he loved her, she always looked happy, apparently he was only projecting his own feelings, wishing that she could love him back. Finn is still silent waiting for Ben to tell him something. Ben finally takes a deep breath.

“Remember the girl that I married in college?”

“The one I never knew?” Ben nods “What she has with that? You still think that you can’t do that because of what she did to you?”

“It’s not that” Ben voices break.

“What is it then?”

Ben tries to talk again, but is like every word is so heavy on his tongue, he tries again and hears the trembling on his words, he closes his eyes trying to make the pain go away.

“Remember when you met me Ben? When your family adopted me and you got back for boarding school?”

“Of course I do”

“I was so scared because I thought that you would hate me because I was at your house when you was away”

“I hated you, for some time” Ben says and Finn laughs at his side.

“Yes you did, but my point is, remember when you used to tell me what was upsetting you?” Ben nods, unable to talk “I’m still here to hear you, just pretend we’re back at home, lying in our tree house where our feelings were protected” Ben breathes deeply.

“You never knew her because she wasn’t with me when you got back from your student exchange” Ben doesn’t waits for Finn to say anything, because if he stops he won’t be able to talk anymore “She left me five months after our wedding and I couldn’t understand why” Ben sighs “Well she is getting married, with Poe”

“You’re kidding me right?” Finn asks sitting on Ben’s bed looking at his brother’s face for some trace of joke.

“I wish I was Finn” Ben's voice is so low, so broken, he wishes he could just lie down and stays like that forever.

“Damn man, this is so messed up, I’m sorry but this is really a mess. What do you want to do, go home?”

“I can’t do that, I didn’t see Poe for the last two years, I can’t come to him and tell him that I can’t be his best man because I love his bride, who is my ex-wife” Ben says.

“Of course you can” Ben looks at Finn with one raised brown “Well obviously not like that, but you can tell him that you can’t be his best man”

“He doesn’t deserve that and he won’t be able to find another person Finn” Ben says in a low voice, almost like the kid Finn met, he looks at Ben’s eyes.

“You know that you don’t have to make everybody happy right? People won’t send you away because you can’t do something Ben”

“It looks like that happened many times before” Ben says with a sad smile.

“But it’s not like that anymore, you have the right to feel and nobody should be upset with you because of that”

“Ok” Ben says in a small voice.

“You know that I’ll have your back, whatever you want to do I’m with you”

“Thank you Finn, you’re my favorite brother”

“I’m your only brother Ben Solo shut up” Finn smiles at him and Ben smiles back.

“We will do it and after the wedding we will head home” Ben says.

“Sounds like a plan, but now can we eat? I’m starving”

“You’re the best person in the world Finn” Ben says, shaking his head and getting up off the bed.

“Well, I try”


	2. Chapter 2

Rey is feeling anxious, Poe planned a kind of dinner party so she could get to know his friends, mainly Ben, so this time she is finally meeting Poe’s best man, he has tried to make this happen this all week, but they couldn’t, there was always something that won’t work. She has been anxious for the whole time, every time Poe planned a meeting she wanted to run away again, every time things got delayed she could breathe again, she’s still hoping that it isn’t him, it can’t be, what are the chances that he knows Poe? It would be too much coincidence, they’re not even in the same city anymore, they’re living in different sides of the country, the chances are too low right? She tries to calm herself, Poe’s best man will walk in and it will be a completely different person, just some friend from his job and everything will be fine, that’s the mantra that she keeps repeating since that phone call, it’s just the phone that makes people’s voice sound alike, it has to be.

When she hears the footsteps entering the room suddenly she doesn’t wants to turn around, she doesn’t want to know anymore, she can live with the doubt, things will be better like that, she is looking for some place that she can go before they approach, but Poe calls her name, she can’t run from the room now, so she turns around and she wishes she could run to another planet.

Fuck.

Why is this happening? He is here, of all the people in the world he is Poe’s best man, of all the people in the world he is still the one that is making her heart beat faster, she wanted to be able to mute her feelings, because only look at him hurts and makes she hate what she did to them, to him.

Poe is walking with two men with him, but now she can only look at one of them, the only one that she thought she would never see again, the one she loved with all her heart. Poe gets to her and hugs her waist kissing Rey’s temple.

“Remember the Ben I told you about?” Rey nods trying to look away from the man that she knows so well “Rey this is Ben, Ben this is my amazing fiancé Rey”

“Nice to meet you Rey” Ben stands his hand to her and Rey shakes it, but doesn’t let go, she notices that he won’t let her hand go either, they’re looking for something in each other's eyes, even if she doesn’t know what it is.

“Hi I’m Finn, Ben’s brother” the other man’s voice makes Rey blink remembering that more people are in here.

“It’s nice to meet you Finn” she says, shaking his hand.

“Yeah, it’s nice to meet you too” Finn tilts his head to the side and looks back at his brother.

“I was so excited for you to meet Ben, I met him on a work trip, remember that I told you how he saved my project right Rey? I have a job now because of him” Poe says.

Ben’s eyes are in her face, she knows what he wants, she knows the question in his face, the ones she ran from, so she didn’t have to answer, now he is asking her ‘why Rey? Why did you leave me? Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you tell me what was bothering you?’

“Yeah I remember” Rey says, she remembers everything that he enthusiastically told about his great friend, the one she thought would be anyone but the person in front of her.

“I knew we would become friends right there, I felt it, Ben has that on him, he makes people want to stay”

“It’s not like that Poe” Ben says, his voice sounds so different, so broken, not like the Ben that she knew one day.

She knows what passed for his mind, his eyes still are a window to his soul, she knows that he is thinking that of all the people she didn’t stay, the one that he wanted by his side, she wishes she had stayed, that her fear hasn’t made her flee. Ben was the one, Rey knows that, but she couldn’t because part of her kept telling her that she couldn’t, she would never be what he needed, or what he wanted and the time he noticed he would leave. Rey can’t keep standing there, it’s so much, she looks away, she can’t have him here.

“I think you friends are finally here honey, should we talk to them?” Rey says, wishing that she didn’t sound so desperate to get away from Ben.

“Yes, of course” Poe says looking around the house “Are you coming Ben?”

“Oh no, you know how much I hate to socialise” Ben answers.

“You really do man, maybe it’s the time to try something new” Poe says smiling, Ben’s eyes goes to Rey’s face again.

“I’m not feeling brave now, maybe later”

“If you say so” Poe turns to Finn “What about you Finn, want to know some new people?”

“For now I think I’ll stay with my grump brother here”

“Alright, if you guys change your mind we’ll be across the room” Poe says walking away.

Rey finally feels like she can breathe again, at least for a little when they walk away, for some minutes she can pretend that his presence doesn’t exist and he isn’t really here, maybe if she tries harder she will be able to convince herself that he is only a dream, until she looks over her shoulder.

He is looking at her from across the room, she can feel his eyes burning her skin, Rey is uncomfortable, it’s like he can read her mind and see her guilty, like he knows everything she did, everything she felt, the things she tells herself every day that she can’t feel. Poe is talking with his friends, talking about something she can’t concentrate on, not when it feels that all the things and feelings that scared her so many years ago are making she want to run away again.

“Honey are you ok?” Poe asks her.

“I – I think that I need some air”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, you can stay, I’ll be right back” Rey kisses Poe and walks away.

Rey looks at where Ben was standing, he isn’t there anymore, but she doesn’t have the energy to think about it now. She walks to the lake behind the house and then she stops, walking, breathing, blinking, she just stands there looking at his back, at her past, Ben turns around, almost like he could feel her, she always wanted to understand how he could do that, she always laughed when he surprised her like that, now she wants to cry.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were here” Rey says in a whisper.

“Oh no, that’s ok, I’m leaving” He starts to walk back to the dinner, but she stops him.

“You don’t have to, I’m ok with you here”

“Of course you are” he says with a sad smile.

“What do you mean by that Ben?”

“I don’t think I should be here talking to you” he answered sarcastically, she never knew this side of him, but she doesn’t think that she can complain about anything at this point.

“Ben –”

“Please don’t” he is looking directly at her now and she can see the sadness in his eyes “I’m here to be your fiancé best man Rey and that’s all, so please, please let’s keep things like that, I don’t have the energy or the calm to talk to you now, I really thought that I would never see you again”

“I’m sorry Ben” she sees when his eyes become different, empty.

“Whatever you say Rey”

Ben walks back inside and Rey closes her eyes feeling the tears in her eyes, it has been four years, for God sake she was the one that got away, who decided that they couldn’t be together, she shouldn’t be the one sad now. Rey breathed deeply, she won’t cry, not right now, not this time, not again.

She missed him for so long, because she loved him so much and even now, when she is about to get married she feels the hole in her heart, the place Ben used to be, the place that nobody could ever be and she knows that this part of her will always be his. Rey feels her heart breaking again knowing that half of her soul will always be missing, part of her heart will be lost forever.

When she gets back to the house Ben and Finn are nowhere to be found, neither is Poe, does Ben told Poe about their past? That’s why none of them are here? Rey starts to panic, where are they? She walks through the whole house, not even acknowledging when Rose tries to call her name, she only needs to find Ben and Poe, find out if things are fine.

Rey sees them close to the door, Poe’s back in her direction, Finn has been looking around, avoiding eye contact with her fiancé, Ben looks so serious, Rey feels her breath get stuck in her throat, what is he trying to do one week before her wedding? Why did Ben have to show up at all? When things have finally settled for her, when she finally started to feel like she had her life again, why is Ben here? And more importantly, why does her heart still beat so fast for him, why does she want to feel his arms around her, when she was the one that decided that she couldn’t stay?

She gets closer to the men, Finn is the first one to notice that she is approaching. He smiles at her, probably to assure her that everything is fine, but it doesn’t feel fine, nothing in all of this feels ok, not anymore, maybe it never felt that away. Rey spent so many times running from things, from people before they could leave her that she never thought about how much she avoided every deep connection, until him, and she couldn’t stand how much she carried about him, how much she loved him.

Rey never knew that she could love someone like she loved him and that feeling scared her so much she needed to leave, things were too much and he was everything she ever wanted, but never knew, when she looks back at things she never felt more complete or happy in her whole life. Rey gets closer to them now, listening to Ben when she stands beside Poe.

“I’m sorry man I need to go”

“Is everything alright?” Rey asks, putting her arm around Poe’s waist, trying to figure if things are ok between them now.

“Yes it’s just a headache Rey, I would never try to destroy your night” Ben has a sarcastic smile on his face again “Or your wedding” he turns his eyes back to Poe “I’ll see you tomorrow man”

“Are you sure that's all?” Poe asks.

“Yeah, I just need to sleep a little, I think” Ben says and Poe nods “Finn are you coming?”

Finn looks at Rey and Poe standing in each other’s arms, for a moment Rey feels like she saw something in Finn’s eyes, but it’s gone so fast and she feels so paranoid right now that maybe she is reading things wrong.

“Of course Ben” Finn looks at Rey a smile on his face “It was really nice to finally meet you Rey, I only heard good things about you”

Poe puts Rey closer, but she knows Finn wasn’t talking about him and she couldn’t miss the sadness in his smile. When Ben and Finn turn around and walk away Rey is still trying to convince herself that everything is ok, she is just nervous, that’s all, but things will be fine, one more week and everything will be fine, one more week and her heart will beat calmly and her head will be clear again.

***

They enter Ben’s hotel room again, he is too tired to ask to be alone now, he didn’t lie his head really hurts, he thought that after hearing her on the phone things wouldn’t be so hard, seeing her shouldn’t be so hard, but it was. Seeing Rey broke him all over again if not more than before. Ben never thought that a broken heart could break again, but it did and he almost couldn’t have this pain, Rey put him away, like everybody in his life. He always tries to tell himself that these things are on the past, he is loved now, but when he saw her his fears come back, he was so scared of been abandoned that he made the possible to makes people stay, make them happy, he wished he knew how to make her happy so she wouldn’t need to put him away, but he doesn’t, unfortunately he never did.

“That was –” Finn doesn’t complete his sentence.

“Terrible” Ben says lying on the bed hugging his knees, maybe if he stay still the pain will go away, Ben hold his knees closer, maybe if he holds tight enough the emptiness in his heart will give in, maybe, just maybe one day he will be able to breathe properly again.

“What do you want me to do Ben?” Finn asks sitting on the bed.

Ben doesn’t answer, he doesn’t feel like he could, not when his head is pounding and he feels that he is back to four years ago, when he noticed that she wouldn’t come back, because she decided it was the best. Finn lies down on the bed, looking at the ceiling, his hand on his brother’s back.

“I’m here Ben, if you need me”

And finally Ben feels the tears falling and in no time he is sobbing, he never thought that Finn would be here one day, being his best friend, his brother, when he first saw him, but apparently his life never followed his rules and he is glad for him, for this one person that didn’t put him away. Ben curls a little bit, trying to become smaller, invisible, to disappear so he would never be hurt again.

___________

Ben wakes up the next day worse than the day before, if this is even possible, Finn is nowhere to be found. Ben gets up feeling his head heavy, he puts it against the cold wall wishing to wake up four years ago with Rey in his arms, or at least away from all this mess that are his feelings. He needs to move, if he stays here he will lie down again thinking about her, Rey made her decision there’s no going back now. Ben finds Finn in his own room, when he walks through the door his brother is sitting on his bed.

“Looks like there’s a first time to everything” Ben says entering the room.

“Your room is still the best one” Finn answered “How are you feeling today?”

“Not the best, but I’ve been worse” Ben tilts his head “Why aren’t you ready yet?”

“I’m not going today, I hope that it’s fine for you” Finn says in a little voice.

“Are you ok mate?” Finn looks down “If you need to talk I can stay, I’m sure Poe will understand”

“No, you go, you’re the best man”

“Are you really sure Finn?”

“Yes we can talk when you came back”

“I won’t forget that” Ben says walking closer to Finn, he puts his hand on Finn head, Finn remember he used to do that, everytime he thought that Finn needed a big brother and he always was, Ben always was there with him and for him, Finn smile at Ben and Ben nods “I’ll be back in a couple of hour, stay safe”

“I'm not a kid Ben Solo” Finn says smiling.

“If thinking like that makes you feel better kid” Ben says walking out of the room, in his way to see his friend.

Rey’s fiancé.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays for everyone!

Rey knows what she needs to do, what her heart wants to do, but what if it isn’t the right thing? What if she is making the wrong choice? She won’t have another chance, right now is her last chance to make things right, like they needed to be since the beginning. She feels like she is divided one part of her misses him so much, she loved him so deeply and even now she knows that she will never love anyone like she loves him and that part of her is breaking everytime he looks at her. On the other hand she feels comfortable now, she isn’t so scared of losing her heart anymore and she likes Poe, he is a good friend, she could have a good life with him, she knows that, but after knowing the greatest love of her life, good would be enough for her? Her fear is bigger than her happiness?

She is looking at the mirror in front of her, all her questions floating around her, but she can’t answer them, she doesn’t think she can find an answer for anything, she thought she would be ok, she kept telling herself that after she saw him, but can she really do that? Rey sighs it’s only one week before her wedding for God’s sake, why is all of this happening only one week before her yes for a comfortable life?

Rey walks to the door, she needs to talk to him, even to say goodbye, to tell him what she couldn’t before, to tell him she is sorry. She walks out of her bedroom going to the stair, she needs to get to his hotel and then makes her decision. When she is leaving she finds Rose walking to the house, oh shit, they had the last dress proof today.

“Am I late?” Rose asks looking at her watch.

“Actually you’re early, I have something to do before, but I promise I’ll be back in time”

“Rey are you ok?”

Rey stops for a moment looking at Rose’s worried face, for a second she wants to tell her what is happening, what is leaving her confused, but doesn’t feel like she should, at least not right now.

“I’m ok Rose” Rey smiles at the woman in front of her “I’ll be right back, promise”

“Ok, I’ll be waiting for you here”

Rey turns again walking to her car, Poe told her days ago where Ben was staying, so she tries to remember where she needs to go now. She doesn’t need to drive much before she can see the hotel in front of her, Rey’s mind is a blur now, of what she needs to do, what she needs to tell him, she leaves her car and runs inside, finding a woman at the hotel’s reception.

“Hi, can you tell me where Ben Solo is hosted?”

“Can you tell me your name ma’am?”

“Rey Niima”

“One moment” the woman looks at her computer Rey starts to get more anxious at every second “We have two rooms booked for him, just a second I’ll call the room”

Rey starts looking around, her heart beating fast in her chest, what if she is doing the wrong thing, what if he doesn’t want to talk to her?

“You can go up miss Niima” Rey looks at the woman smiling at her “Room 625, sixth floor”

“Thank you”

Before she can change her mind Rey goes to the elevator, clicking on the sixth floor, her impatience increasing every second, it feels like an era when the elevator finally stops. Rey gets out looking for the right room, when she stops by the door, thinking again if she should knock or just go away, but her body is moving already. When the door opens she notices that she isn’t looking at Ben, of course, he booked two rooms.

“Finn” she says, looking at the man in front of her.

“You want to come in?” Finn says and Rey nods, she walks in the room looking around.

“Where is Ben?”

“The last time I checked with your fiancé, you know right, he is the best man” Finn says angrily.

“Finn it’s not like that”

“Look Rey I have nothing to do with your life, but when you’re hurting someone I like things become different”

“I never wanted to hurt him” Rey looks down.

“I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I saw him after you left, he was broken and when he finally started to heal things got back and now you’re here one week before your wedding” Finn looks at Rey’s eyes “I’m sorry Rey, but looking at things from my point of view it feels a little off to me”

“I know, I know that I don’t have any right in here, but I just wanted explain things, tell that I’m sorry”

“You’re sorry now?” they hear a voice behind them, when Rey looks around Ben is standing in the open door “What you want to explain Rey?” Ben asks seriously.

“I’ll be in the other room if you need me” Finn says walking away, he stops beside Ben and tells him something, Ben only nods and Finn walks out of the room closing the door, Rey is looking at Ben’s movements, once so familiar, now so strange.

“I’m here, you can talk”

“Ben don’t be like that”

“Like what Rey? How do you want me to act? You left me without an explanation, how do you think that I felt?” Ben says, his voice becoming hoarse in the end, Rey knows that he is about to cry.

“I just want to explain everything” she says in a low voice.

“Don’t you think this is already too late?”

“Will you let me talk?”

“What is so important that you had to come here?” he is looking at her with anger in his eyes, she never saw him like that, not with her, he was never angry with her, but this time all his anger is for her and she knows she deserves every part of his rage.

“Why are you here Ben?” she asks with her thoughts without any order anymore, everything that she wanted to say is floating around her.

“Excuse me?”

“I was fine, things were fine before you came here, I was going to marry and have a comfortable life, I was ok with that I –” Rey choked on her words.

“It’s what you want? Comfort, you weren’t comfortable with me Rey? My love wasn’t enough for you?” a tear rolls down Ben’s cheek, Rey can feel his heart breaking on her own.

“It wasn’t that. The problem was that we loved each other so much, seeing you leave me would break my heart Ben”

“So you decided that you should leave me first?” Ben turns around putting his hands on his hair, trying to calm himself, to breathe, not to break again, when he turn around Rey can see how red his face is, how hard he is trying not to cry “How does it felt Rey, being the one who gave up on me, on us”

“Ben please” Rey is crying now, she wishes that she could go back in time, to take his pain away, even if that meant that she would never be in his life “I’m so sorry” Ben laughs, he laughs so hard that he tilts his head back.

“You’re sorry?” he looks back at her “Why are you sorry? Because for four years I tried to understand why you left, for four years I tried to look back at our relationship, to find what I did wrong, trying to look for the signs, but there was none Rey, you was just gone and you left me with an empty bed, I thought that I pushed you, that I moved too fast, but now you come here and tell me that you left because you loved me? Because I could leave you one day? Help me to understand Rey, because nothing in this makes sense to me”

“I was scared, we were so young and things were so strong and so deep. I never felt nothing like this before, I never was so loved before and I was so scared Ben, I’m sorry, I couldn’t look at you and tell you that I was scared, I couldn’t”

“Why Rey? I would try to understand you, to help you”

She doesn’t know what to say, she couldn’t be with him back then, everything felt so much to her, they were each other’s support, but they were both drowning in their own way. He was everything and she couldn’t take it, because all she had in her life was nothing, everything was empty before him, what would it be after him? Rey looks at Ben and notices the tears in his eyes, they’re breaking each other’s hearts. She didn’t think she could be sadder than the day she left him, but right now she feels like her soul is tearing apart. Ben walks to the bed sitting and resting his face on his hands, she wishes that she could console him, tell him that everything will be alright, but she can’t.

“Ben –” she tries to say but he is already talking behind his hands.

“I wasn’t enough for you” he isn’t asking, she doesn’t think that he is talking directly to her either “You loved me, but I wasn’t enough, is the story of my life repeating itself again. Nothing that I do will change my fate, everyone always send me away, why I thought it could be different”

“Ben it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t you. I was the one that was scared of you leaving, I fucked up. I was so caught in my head reviving all my past, all the people that left me and with you I couldn’t let this happen because I wouldn’t be able to live if you left me” she gets closer to the bed, but doesn’t touch him “All my life I was alone and I could live like that, but when I met you, Ben you showed me how empty my life was, I’m sorry I panicked I broke you trying to not break me and I hate myself for that every day, I should have stayed, but I never knew love before, I tried to leave before things become too much, before the both of was became too attached, I was drowning Ben and I was so scared that I could bring you down with me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you were there in the emptiness with me, I couldn’t put you there and I couldn’t live with so much fear”

“Well at least you’re ok now” Ben looks up “You’re here in front of me engaged to another man, your life keeps going” Rey closes her eyes.

“I – Yes. It looks like it” Rey says, feeling her heart break with every word.

“Are you happy?”

“What?”

“Are you happy with him?”

“He is a good man” she says looking out the window.

“That’s not what I asked”

“That’s all I have to tell now”

“You're still afraid” Ben says looking in her eyes for the first time since she got here and she doesn’t feel that she can lie to him.

“Yes”

Ben keeps looking at her and starts to nod at her, from where she is standing he looks so sad, so young, she wishes that she could hug him and tell that everything will be fine. He is pouting, trying so hard not to cry, she on the other hand has her tears running down her cheeks, he nods once again.

“I hope that you can be happy with him”

Rey can see how hard it was for him to say that, how hard he is trying to stay where he is, respecting her choices, she sobs looking at his familiar face, Ben Solo the only man she loved with all her heart. Rey walks to the door, standing there for a second, her back to him.

"Goodbye Ben”

She runs, just like she did the first time, she runs as fast as she can, entering in her car while the tears run down her face, while her life becomes so colourless again, she wanted to be stronger, she wanted to stay.

“I wish I didn’t love you this much”

***

Ben walks to the other room, Finn is on his bed, looking at the street though the window, Ben closes the door and leans his back on it, looking at the ceiling trying not to cry again.

“I just saw her getting in her car, things didn’t go well?” Finn asks.

“She loves me, so she couldn’t stay” Ben says in a whisper, almost like he is afraid of saying it out loud, Finn nods.

“I think I kinda understand her, in a way”

“How so?”

“You told me one time that she came from different foster families right? And most of the time they weren’t really nice” Ben nods “I think I understand how hard it is, for so long I tried to protect my feelings, I never thought that I could find love, before your family adopted me. With her she never found a family, she never found someone that she could be vulnerable around, until you showed up” Finn sighs “There was so many times that I was tempted to just run away, so many families made me feel unease, even now there are times that I think that I’m scared too”

“Yeah” Ben is looking down.

“I know it’s hard to accept Ben, mostly when you was so hurt too, but maybe she is just looking for comfort instead of deep connections that makes her give herself completely to someone”

“Are you still afraid?” Ben asks with a little hope in his eyes.

“Sometimes, it got easier with time, but people are different Ben”

“I know, it’s just that –” Ben looks at the window behind his brother “Most of the time I just wanted that we could pass through that. I wished she had talked to me about her fears, her life. I still miss her so much”

“I know you do, but has been four years, maybe you should move on”

“I’m trying, but she is constantly in my head even after all this time”

“I wish I could tell you that things will get better, but I have to be honest with you Ben, she will be married in a week and I thought that maybe she coming here today and the uncertainty I saw in her eyes could make things different, but I don’t know if it will now. We have to accept the facts here”

“I know, we will be heading home when the ceremony is over, and won’t be seeing her ever again, maybe after that I will be able to move on like she did” Ben feels the pain through his body, because even though he already accepted they’re over, he can’t let it go completely, because even now he is still missing her, more than anything, than anyone in his life.


	4. Chapter 4

The week passed like a blur to Rey, all the preparation could not wrap her mind in the fact that in a feel hours she will be married, actually all she keeps asking herself is if she is doing the right choice. What she is doing with her life and with Poe’s.

“Rey you ok?” Rose asks beside her.

“Yes, I think that I’m just a little anxious”

“That’s completely normal, you’re about to be married, start a life with someone you love”

Love, does she love him enough?

Rey knows him, she is comfortable around him, life with Poe is easy, there are no big emotions, it’s like she is in control, but does she love him the way she should? Sure he is her friend and sure she loves him. Maybe she loves him only like a friend and maybe that’s enough for them, but what if it isn’t?

Rey remember how she felt with Ben, like she was falling in love every single day, with him it was like she was in free fall, but she wasn’t scared because she knew that Ben would be there to catch her, but her mind always reminded her for many time, he would leave eventually, she knew that, everybody did, now at least she can protect her feelings, so why it feels so colourless?

“Rey, I think it is time for us to go” Kaydel says by the door “Are we ready to go?”

“Yes baby, we’re on our way” Rey answered the girl on the door, her eyes shining.

They get in the car on their way to the church, Rey feels her heart beating faster, she wishes it was for excitement, but now she is thinking about the right choice for both of them. When the car stops Rey feels nothing, she can’t help but compare how it felt the first time, how she was happy for the moment, how much she wanted to see him, now with Poe she only thinks about how they will live through this, is happiness possible?

She starts to walk to the altar, Poe is standing there looking exactly like her, his face blank, the emotions so far away, his eyes drift to the front row and that is the only time that Rey sees something in his eyes. Rey looks at the man beside Poe, Ben is standing there looking down, she knows his body like her own, she can feel even if he never look up at her, the way he is uncomfortable, how he is trying to look small, he doesn’t want to be here, but he is anyway for his friend, he was always so loyal to everyone around him.

Rey feels tears in her eyes, everybody is looking at her, except for the person she wishes that was looking at her, except for the one that she has no right to wish that, not anymore. Rey is walking the alley alone, she didn’t want anybody to walk her to Poe, she doesn’t have anybody that important in her life, she never had, Rose and Kaydel are walking in front of her, she is doing it on the autopilot until she stops. Rey is selfish, she knows how selfish she is being, how she always was, she can see in Poe’s eyes he isn’t happy, but she has never noticed that before.

She is standing in the middle of the alley, now she can see how it won’t work, she can’t bring colour to their lives, not like that, she can love him like he deserves, Poe is too good to have a life like that, without find the love that will make him glow, she isn’t his light. Rey wishes she had noticed this before, that she hasn’t tried so hard to make this work, because she made him lose much time with her, because she was scared, she broke so many people in her life, she can’t do it anymore, she can’t do it again.

Rey notices the time the music stops too, when her friends look back and see her standing there, Poe’s eyes are on hers, Rey starts to shake her head, her eyes pleading for his understanding. She can’t do that, she thought that she could, but she can’t, for the last two years she thought that this was enough, that having a comfortable life was enough, but it isn’t. Rey can’t love Poe, she can’t tie his life with hers when she knows that she would never ever love him like he needs to be loved. She is looking at Poe hoping that he can understand and apparently he does, because he nods and Rey doesn’t know if it was coming for her, but can see how relieved he looks too.

“I’m sorry” she mouths to him.

“Do what you have to do” Poe mouths back.

Rey turns and starts running, the thing is, she doesn’t know what she has to do, she doesn’t where she is going, so she runs, because she needs to do is get away from here, she keeps running imagining all she ruined today, all the effort Poe did, all the preparation they did to this wedding, but she just can’t, there is no future on their union she knows that, maybe she always knew. Rey runs through the street hearing the car horns and the drivers shouting at her to get out of the way.

She tried so bad to be different but she is just doing the same things all over again, she feels the tears in her cheeks, apparently all she did the last two weeks was cry and she hates how much her emotions are making her this broken and confused again. Deep down she knows what she is doing, what she kept doing this whole time, all she was trying to do was run from her past, from…

“Rey”

… him.

She breathes one, two, three times before she looks at him standing on the other side of the street, his eyes are searching for answers on her face, but more than that he is trying to see if she is ok.

“Ben” she says with tears running down her face.

He chased her trying to convince himself that all he was doing was because he knows that she doesn’t have many friends, so she doesn’t have a place to go, he saw the fear in her eyes when she was running away. He saw the conflict tearing her apart, but what he doesn’t want to admit is that he came after her because he still has hope and even after all she did he can't let her alone, not when he could see how terrified she was, Ben still cares and probably ever will.

He looks worried, while he waits for the lights to turn red so he can get to her, Rey is standing there, hardly breathing, afraid that this connection between them will dissipate if she breathes too loud, the same one that put them together in the past, that she let go one time. They stay like that looking at each other until she blink and he is walking through her, looking only at her, like she is the center of his universe.

“Rey are you ok?”

“What?” Rey can’t quietly process what he is saying, one week ago she left his room telling him that she couldn’t be with him because she was scared, now he is the one in front of her bringing some kind of peace to her confused heart.

“How are you? You left in such a hurry, I was worried about what was happening and when I saw your face for across the street you looked so lost and – oh”

Rey throws her body on his, making Ben lose his balance for a second, his arms in the air close to her body, it takes him only seconds before he puts his arms around her and Rey sobs against his shirt. What was she doing? Why did she waste so many times when she knew what she wanted? He is her happiness, he has always been. Ben’s arms become tighter around her, he sighs and puts his chin on her head.

“Let’s get out of here, so we can talk calmly ‘kay?” Ben asks and Rey nods against his chest, she is afraid that if she let go he will disappear and she doesn’t think she can let him go this time.

They get in a taxi, the driver looking at their clothes a little confused, Rey runs her hands through her dress conscious of what she left, what she will need to explain later. She feels Ben’s hand covering hers and she looks up finding a little smile on his face, she looks at his face, trying to memorize every mole again, like she used to do before.

When they get to the hotel Rey feels her body growing colder, her hands shaking, she knows that she needs to talk to him now, but she is still scared, it still so much, all these feelings everywhere. Ben opens his room door letting Rey enter first, it’s not the same room that she was the first time she came here, now looking like a lifetime ago.

“Do you still drink tea?” Ben asks from across the room giving her some space and she wants to cry again.

“Yes, I do” her voice sounds weird to her.

“Ok, I’ll bring you some tea, you can change your clothes, take whatever you want from my suitcase. You can take a shower if you want too, if it helps calming yourself, I’ll be back in a minute”

She nods, Ben nods back and walks out of the room. Rey goes to Ben's suitcase, looking for something, she finds a black sweater and brings it close to her face, it still has the same smell she knew so well, Rey closes her eyes for a second, drunk on his smell, she misses him so much. She gets up getting into the shower, she needs to relax, she knows that they need to talk when Ben comes back, she needs to be prepared. Rey turns the hot water feeling the knots on her muscles undoing, she stays under the shower for what feels like an eternity until she finally gets out, putting on Ben’s sweater, even his clothes feels like home to her.

She gets out of the shower the same time as Ben opens the room’s door, he looks up at her in his clothes, she sees when his chest fell with a hard breath, he looks away before looking back at her.

“I – hum brought your tea”

Ben stands his hand with the cup to her and Rey takes it, she takes a sip feeling the sweetness on her tongue, rosehip tea, he still remembers when and how she likes to take her teas, she feels her eyes teary again.

“Come here” Ben says standing his hand and she walks to him, when she gets closer he opens his arms and she hugs him, the perfect fitting, she feels when he takes his hand to the back of her neck massaging it “We still need to talk”

“I know”

“But it can wait until you finish your tea”

“Thank you” she says not only for the tea, but for everything he did until now, even when she doesn’t deserve anything from him, Rey hugs him tighter wanting to stay like that forever, so she doesn’t has to face her life, what she did with her life, Ben kisses the top of her head before letting go.

Rey sits on his bed drinking slowly, trying to postpone their conversation the maximum as possible. Ben knows that and he is smiling at her from across the room, she looks down, still feeling bad for hurting him like she did, she drinks quietly. She wanted to know why he is still here, she doesn’t deserve him, she never did and even like that he is letting her talk, take her time, he always gave her everything, every part of his soul and she never was able to clearly see that, until now. Rey is holding her cup like it’s her lifeline, she looks up at him again, he is waiting like he always has, waiting for her time, for her.

“Why are you here?” she asks.

“I think we had this conversation before”

“You know what I mean Ben”

“I think I already told you, you looked like you needed a friend” he says tilting his head to the side.

“A friend” she whispers.

“What is happening Rey?”

“I don’t even know where I should begin” Rey says.

“What is bothering you the most?”

“Everything is bothering me, what I did to Poe, what I did to you, to us, the time that we let pass through us” Rey sighs looking at him “How far you are from me now”

She sees when his chest rises and falls, his eyes searching her face when he slowly moves away from the dresser walking to the bed waiting for her to tell him to stop, she never does,Ben is standing in front of her tilting his head.

“Do you want me close?”

“I always wanted you close, that was what scared me”

“What is different now?” he asks, there is so much hope in his voice.

“I noticed how wrong I was when I ran”

“From Poe?” he asks, Rey shakes her head.

“To Poe”

Ben nods and sits beside her, looking ahead, waiting for what she has to say. Rey puts her cup on the ground, she comes closer to Ben curling up in his lap, he puts his arms around her making Rey feel safe.

“I’m sorry for leaving you, I should have talked to you”

“I’m sorry too Rey” Rey looks up finding Ben already looking down “If I had heard to you, look at the signals maybe I could understand you, but I was blind by my own feelings it never crossed my mind that maybe you was unhappy”

“I wasn’t unhappy Ben”

“But you weren’t happy either”

“That’s the thing I was so happy that it made me scared” he keeps looking at her, all his attention only to her, trying to understand her soul “You loved me so much and I loved you so much that just think about lose you made me run, I was so afraid of losing you, I wouldn’t be able to live”

“I would never leave you, you was one of the only people that listened to me back in the day and even seeing my dark side you didn’t pushed me away”

“Because I saw on you something that I never saw in anyone else”

“And what was that?”

“My belonging” Rey whispers.

Ben isn’t blinking, he isn’t even breathing, she knows how much he wanted people to trust him, because there was a time that nobody did and he was all by himself, she knows how much her words meant to him because he always wanted to make her happy, to make her feel loved, even when he thought that he couldn’t be her happiness. She puts her hand on his face and Ben closes his eyes, his arms protectively around her waist.

“And where is it now?” Ben asks without opening his eyes.

“What?”

“Your belonging”

“Right in front of me” she says, her voice trembling, what if it’s too late now? Ben opens his eyes slowly looking at her face searching for any trace of doubt on her, but there is none, because she knows that it always has been Ben.

He opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out, he can’t find his words, Rey smiles at him, she puts her other hand on his face and kisses him. Almost like being free of a spell the colours of her world are back, when he pulls her closer ending with any space between the two of them Rey knows that there’s no other place that she wanted to be. They pull away to catch their breath and Ben starts to kiss her neck, Rey tilts her head to the other side, giving him more space.

“I love you so much Rey. I missed everything on you, your smell, your body, your smile” he looks at her again “And more than anything I missed the way you look at me”

“How do I look at you?” she asks smiling.

“Like I deserve to be loved, like I mean something”

“Because you do Ben, to me you mean everything and you deserve all the love in the world”

“Is this really happening? I dreamed about this day for so long that I don’t know –”

Rey kisses him again cutting his sentence and he is smiling in the kiss all he ever wanted is happening and he doesn’t know how to process all of that.

“Can you feel that?” she asks kissing his forehead “And that” she kisses his nose “What about that?” she kisses his jaw.

Ben is laughing when he turns them on the bed, Rey is laughing while he looks down at her, she feels so happy in his arms, when he looks at her with so much love she wants to fight for their happiness, she doesn’t want to run anymore, because when he looks at her like that she feels like her world is complete and in orbit again.

“I love you so much Ben, you can’t even imagine” the smile that appears on his face with her words make all her world seems brighter.

“I can sweetheart, because I love you just the same” he comes closer “You are all the light in my life Rey, without you I was lost”

“I’m sorry”

“No, no more sorry please. Let’s leave the past where it should be, we’re starting over and right now I’m ready to fight for you until my last breath”

“You don’t have to, because this time I’ll stay right here”

“Sounds like a plan” Ben says smiling at her.

“The best I ever had” she puts her hand between them and he looks confused “Hello, I’m Rey Niima, nice to meet you”

“We’re really doing that?” he keeps smiling, making everything shine, she looks at the eyes she loves so much.

“Yes, we are, now introduce yourself” she smiles back putting Ben closer to her.

She was wrong before, loving him wasn’t making her fall, it was what was keeping her from drowning, she thought that the love she felt was going to break her, leave her bleeding with all her scars open, but it didn’t. Loving Ben could take her breath away, but it was also what made her feel alive every day of her life, loving him is like a kaleidoscope of colours and she can’t wait to find every image hiding on it.

“Ben Solo, really nice to meet you miss Niima”


	5. Chapter 5

Poe is looking at Rey running out of the church, he turns to Ben beside him, seeing his worried eyes and the way his body is tense.

“You should go after her” Poe says, Ben looks confused at his friend.

“What?”

“I’m not dump Ben, since the first time you saw each other in my house I knew something was happening”

“I – Then why you never said anything?”

“Why did any of you say anything?” Poe keeps looking at him friend “Go, make sure she is fine, you two need that”

Ben runs out of the church after her and Poe looks at the first row again, at his parents, he always wanted a love like the one his parents had, they’re been together for so long and love eachother so deeply, he really wanted to have that one day and Poe thought for some time that it could have been Rey, but what he hasn’t noticed in their first year together was that he was only trying to make her feel better. Poe loves her with all his heart, but after some time he notices that she wasn’t the love of his life, just like he wasn’t hers, but he kept going, because she looked lost and he wanted to help her, he wanted to make her happy, Rey had been through so much and he wanted to assure her that someone cared and because of that he ignored everything for so long.

“You ok man?” Finn asks, putting his hand on Poe’s shoulder.

“Well my bride left me on the altar and I have all these people to apologise, but at least I have champagne right?” Poe looks at Finn, his expression worried, Poe smiles at him “I’m ok” Finn nods.

“I’m gonna help you and maybe you can share the champagne later? Is really hard follow my brother”

“I can tell” Poe smiles again, Finn is an easy person to be around, he cares so much, just like Poe “Let’s go”

When Poe sends everyone home and assures his parents that he is fine for the hundredth time he finally goes home with Finn, he opens the door and lets his body fall on the couch.

“You don’t look really heartbroken now” Finn says standing in front of him.

“I knew she didn’t loved me and when Ben showed up I knew something was going on between them”

“And even like that you didn’t cancel the wedding?” Finn asks, Poe opens the bottle and goes to the kitchen looking for some cups.

“I think old habits are hard to break, I waited for her to love me like I loved her in the beginning, but she never did in the end I just wanted her to feel protected”

“She felt” Poe looks at him “She and Ben were married in the past, when she saw him a week ago she told him that being with you was comfortable, but I think that’s not what you wanted, or what she needed”

“I was ready to say no if she kept going” Poe puts the champagne in a cup and hands it to Finn walking back to the living room.

“You were?” Finn asks, walking back to and sitting beside Poe.

“Yes, she don’t love me like that and I will always love Rey, but I’m not in love with her anymore, I don’t want to have a comfortable life, I want to have the greatest love in the world”

Finn smiles at Poe, but something seems off in his expression, he puts his cup up, looking at Poe in the eyes.

“For the woman who will one day win your heart” Finn says and Poe smiles looking at Finn’s eyes, ‘he has the biggest heart that I ever knew’ Poe thinks when he says.

“Or man” Poe notices when Finn looks a little surprised at him, his smile finally becoming bigger.

“Or man”

And just like that Poe knows that maybe all of this was necessary because here in his living room, in his smoking, drinking the champagne of his almost wedding Poe feels his heart beating faster and he knows that everything will be fine.

“I hope they’re ok” Poe says.

“Oh me too, Ben was a mess when she left the first time”

“Tell me more about them” Poe says, turning his body to Finn and he laughs.

“You really like some gosip don’t you?”

“Come on, you have inside information” 

***

Rey wakes happy the next morning, she can feel his warm arms around her, she couldn’t ask for anything more right now, she turns around in his arms looking at his face calm in his sleep, Rey draws the lines around Ben’s face, she remember how she used to do that, it feels so distant now, but so natural. Ben smiles, bringing her closer.

“Good morning sweetheart” he says without opening his eyes.

“Good morning dearest”

“You can’t even imagine how much I missed waking up with you” he says getting closer to her. Rey is laughing when Ben kisses her neck.

“I’m still scared Ben”

“I know my love” he says against her skin “But I promise that I will listen to you, I’ll try my best to give you all you need Rey”

“And I promise to be more open this time” she says, Ben pulls away.

“We need to talk to Poe” her smiles disappears “I know you don’t want to, but we really need to explain things to him”

“Will you be with me?”

“Until my last day”

They take their time this morning, most of it because Rey wants to be in her happy bobble a little more, but she knows what she needs to do. They’re standing in front of Poe’s house, Rey is holding Ben’s hand for dear life when she rings the bell, waiting for Poe to open it, when he finally does she wants to run away.

“Oh hello, you guys want to come in?” Poe asks.

Rey is looking at him confused, shouldn’t he been screaming at her? Saying that she is a terrible human being? That’s what should be happening right? It’s the common reaction she grew familiar with. Why is Poe being so civil right now? She keeps looking at him without saying anything, just waiting for something, anything, that never came.

“Yes Poe, thank you” Ben answered.

They walk inside Poe’s house, a place that Rey has been to so many times before, but now everything seems different, because now she is paying the attention she never did before, this time she is looking at the place that almost became her home.

“Looks like you guys found your happiness” Poe says sitting down on his couch.

“I can explain Poe, I swear I can” Rey starts to say, even if they won’t marry anymore she doesn’t want him to hate her.

“You don’t have to Rey”

“But Poe” she says trying again, Poe only smiles and shakes his head.

“Rey, you don’t have to explain anything, we are fine, I’m happy that you’re happy and Finn already explained everything after your big boy here ran after you” he looks at Ben “Like every detail man”

“Wait what?” is it over? He is ok with that? Rey looks at Poe waiting for him to say something, she comes here prepared to have a hard discussion with him, not to find understanding “You’re really ok with that?”

“I just wanted you to be happy dear, you’re my friend Rey, I just want your happiness and let me be honest, I wouldn’t be able to make you happy, you’re an amazing person, but I don’t love you and you don’t love me, not like that. I thought that I could get the spark from our first year back, but I can’t and I’m happy that you have someone that loves you like you deserve” Poe says looking at Ben again.

“I hope you find someone you love too Poe and I hope that we can still be friends” Rey says.

“Of course Rey and if I’m not the best man of your marriage I swear to God Ben, I’ll never talk to you again”

“You have to convince Finn, not me” Ben says smiling.

“If he takes my place I’ll burn the church down” Poe says and the three of them are now laughing, Rey can’t believe that, they stayed, every single one of the people she love is choosing to stay, she feels some tears in her eyes, Poe notices too and stands his hand to her.

“You’re safe now Rey, we will always have your back, all of us” Poe says looking at her eyes and here with her ex fiance in front of her and the love of her life by her side she knows that she finally found her family, the people that would be her safe place the ones that made her stay and the sensation of being loved is the best thing that she could ask for. The joy in her heart is so big now, because she won’t lose anyone anymore, people won’t be leaving because they love her and she loves her friends with all her heart too.

***

Rey is looking in the mirror with another white dress, the third one, she never thought that she would marry the first time, let alone two, but she is happy now finally her heart is at peace, finally she learned how to accept the love she received, and now she learned that she can give herself for the people she loves, because they won’t be breaking her heart. It wasn’t easy the last two years after the fiasco of her almost wedding she grew so much, she got help, she learned that she could talk to her friends, to Ben and they wouldn’t turn on her, it isn’t always easy, but she knows now that she have everything she always looked for in her found family.

“Are you ready Rey?” Rose asks entering the room “I never saw you so radiant before”

“Really?” Rey keeps smiling, she can’t stop smiling.

“Are you happy?” Kaydel asks beside Rose.

“I never was happier in my whole life”

“I’m happy to finally hear that Rey, you deserve all the good the world has to offer” Kaydel gets closer “And we’ll be always here to make you understand that we love you” Rey feels the tears in her eyes, she really got the best people in her life.

“Thank you” Rey whispers.

“Come on baby. Don’t make her cry, it will ruin the makeup and then the wedding photos will be a mess, me as the main bridesmaid won’t let this happen” Rose says getting closer.

“Who said you’re the main anything here? Rey tell her” Kaydel says, Rey is laughing now.

“I love you two so much” she says, getting closer to her bridesmaids and hugging them.

They hear a knock on the door, when Rose opens it Finn is there smiling too, turns out Poe won, apparently Finn let this past, they have some kind of agreement, personally Rey thinks that Finn would say yes to everything Poe asks him, she is so happy to know they found their way to one another too and are happy now. Finn got another rule though, he will be walking Rey to the altar, he said that this was a repair for the first wedding, the one he never attended. No one would say no to him, she is happy to have all of the people she really loves living a happy life.

“Are you ready Rey? Pretty boy is losing his mind waiting for you” Finn says from the door.

“Yes I am. Take me to the pretty boy”

“My pleasure”

Ben looks so beautiful standing there looking at her like she is his whole world, the shine on his eyes, the smile on his face, she can wake up to that everyday and never get tired, his love is so big, she never thought that someone would love her with so much tenderness and so much force. She is smiling now too because she found what was missing in her with him.

When they get to the altar Finn gives her hand to Ben, she takes his hand, their promises being for the last time sealed. They’re not alone, they will never be again, they don’t have to be scared anymore, because they’re finally where they wanted to be.

“You’re my light Rey, you’ll always be”

“You’re my home Ben for all the eternity” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for every person who read this story, for every comment, for every bookmark, for every kudos, you made me smile in so many moments and I hope that Homeland was a journey as good for you as it was for me. Happy New Year everyone, stay safe.  
> You can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/thatsuntitled)


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